Alone on Christmas

[Slipshod]

Now hold up now, first and foremost this is not a "throw me a pity party" tantrum  . I just need to say something to somone or write something down because quite frankly, ive been talking to myself about it and im going insane. This is the first year that I have been alone on Christmas. Now I know, it can always be worse, and I know that there are many others out there alone and in a worse condition, but from my point of view, for me, this is really depressing. At first I didnt give it much though, I mean I knew I would wake up this morning by myself and I didnt think twice about it a few days ago. Now that its here, I dont know how to react.

I woke up this morning, like I do every Christmas morning, only this time instead of walking into a room full of lights, and family having coffee, laughing and just conversing, I was met with silence and darkness. It hit me right then that this is going to be a hard day. Its not like im a lonely person, I have friends, I have some family, and I have a girlfriend so its not like my life is pathetic. Its just on this morning I didnt have any of them. They were gone, elsewhere, or just not caring. My girl went with her family, my friends with theres and my family is...well...I am not sure.  I came to the realization that this day I used to get excited for now felt like another ordinary day, and for that I am enduring a great amount of sadness.

It's almost as if I am mourning a loss but nobody died. I am mourning the loss of a memory, much like all the others lost in time this one in particular stings the most. The memory of happiness on this day, the memory of spending time with those who actually cared at one point, the memory of feeling warm knowing that you're in a good, safe place, now that memory is dead...at least today. I have went through breakups that have left my heart completely cracked, I have waited around for another to put it back together until I realized nobody is going to do it for you, they can only help you do it. I have lost a best friend to suicide when I was a teenager,  knowing that the one person you can call about a girl, or when things arent going right is no longer here leaves you completely crushed. I have suffered physically, mentally and emotionally through the years so I know how to react to feelings of grief and depression...but today breathes on its own.

I have never felt this kind of lonliness before, needless to say I lack the knowledge on how to react to it. It isnt about materials, I have spent many Holidays not recieving anything during my childhood where getting presents is actually a huge part of Christmas and it never bothered me. It's about the lack of love and warmth that I no longer feel, not in general, just for today. I miss the way it was, not everything, just the good times. My life is jam packed with horrible things, so much so that sometimes I have anxiety attacks from reminders on how messed up it used to be. Never the less, when Christmas came it all dissapeares. You hear so much about this time of the year being magical and for awhile I would believe that to be true, because it seemed like every year Christmas would weed out all of the bad and make it go away if not forever then for that day at least.

As I sit here in this empty house, I drink my coffee hearing nothing but the keyboard on my laptop, I take a look around and I see no magic. It breaks my heart that I cant have what I used to, and yes I may be acting a bit selfish for thinking im the only one in the world feeling this way, I know there are homeless people right now, I know there are kids with nothing right now, I know I am very fortunate to have the things that I have, but if it means that im a selfish person because I want love on this day then today im the most selfish person on the face of the planet. I want what I had! I want my family!...I want her here...but I cant have it. Much like a little child crying at the saying "you cant always get whay you want" I am throwing a fit but not for something I want but dont need, but for something I desperatly need.

I battle with myself on a daily basis trying to come to terms with the man I want to be. I want to be the man that sets examples and rather than break people down I would build them up. I see that version of myself, sometimes its as clear as a lucid dream, almost as if there are multiple realities of myself that exist in different realms, where different versions of my life take place and I, somehow can see into the good life. I see myself with a successful career as a filmmaker, I see myself with a loving wife and kids, but more importantly I see myself happy, free of all the emotional torment I put myself through. I see myself succeeding and breaking the chains that shackled me to my past never to look back. I see her there, and it breaks my heart because I know she will never come back. No matter who im seeing now, I will always see her face. She left a void in me that cant be filled, she took a chunk of me with her and I have come to terms with the loss because I know, as long as she is gone, I will never be complete again.

I see that life, it puts a smile on my face, but today, the vision is gone. I see nothing but emptiness, today I have been redirected to the poor version of my life, the one where I am old and alone. The one where I sit with those shackles tightly placed around me, I sit, a bitter old man without a care in the world. I am not that, I will never be that and I know that, but today I cant help but see that over and over again. I know ill turn it around, and I know tomorrow is a new day, ill wake up and be fine just like the other times, tomorrow it is back to normal. That still doesnt change the fact that today, I am alone on Christmas.

I am sorry if this was a downer, I really do wish you guys a Merry Christmas, I just needed a place to air this out.

[Brad]

how can you not know where your family is?

[Slipshod]

Long story, I keep in touch with a few uncles but for the most part theyre all gone. Idk.

[Trine Larsen]

Oh no, I wish I had seen this earlier. Don't feel like you don't have a right to feel how you are feeling just because some person out there has it worse. Your feelings are validated and belong only to you. It's not selfish at all. Those are your feelings and you have every right to them.

My heart goes out to you I had an awful battle with anxiety and depression my last year in the military. It breaks my heart to know you had to work through such a hard day yesterday. If you ever need anything or any support don't hesitate to message me on facebook (my phone lets me know) if you ever get stuck in a dark place or feeling alone there is always skype. My family is kooky, but you're always welcome into it. No one should have to battle with feelings like that alone.

This isn't a pity thing by any means that's not going to help anyone. Just wanted to let you know that you are heard and understood. I hope the feelings aren't haunting you today.

[Derrick Trotter]

A very sad day for you my friend but if you're girlfriend new you would be on you're own at Christmas why didn't she invite you over to hers and be with her family at least you wouldn't be alone on such a special day and you might actually feel wanted again.

I don't know what went on in your life before that made you lose contact with your family surly it's not that bad that you can't try and build bridges or if it is that bad may be one day you will find that special person in your life and then marry her and have kids and then you can make your kids feel like it's the best Christmas that they have ever had every year.

I have only the one son and that is what I do because you never know what is round the corner, Make every day special in your life enjoy it try not to worry about things that happen in the past be your self and have a great big smile on your face. If you get knocked down then pick your self up dust your self down and start again I'm sure there are people out there that would love to be in your life all you have to do is find them.

Yes Christmas day has been hard for you this year but it wont be like this all the time you have to make it special for you, You should decorate your house with all the trimmings have lights everywhere wrap your own presents and just have a laugh. Go out a mingle with people make new friends invite them into your life there should be no reason at all why you can't make Christmas day a special one just for you.

You make Christmas day special pal and enjoy life.   

[Slipshod]

I just saw these comments and I am way better now  . The one thing I was really missing Christmas morning was my ex that broke up with me a few months ago, I guess I never really gave it time to breath and time to "mourn the loss" so to speak before jumping into another relationship. Dont get me wrong, I really like my girlfriend now, but my ex is always on my mind im not going to lie. I just get restless when I think of her with other guys and stuff, I know, normal stuff, move on yadda yadda, but you guys know as well as I do that it is hard to move on from someone that you actually loved. We loved each other, but I guess she just didnt love me as much as I loved her. The thing about it is, I will always love her, regardless if I never see her again which I probably wont. She took a chunk of me with her when she left and I will always remember her for that, its both good and bad. Those feelings for her will always be there but overtime they will not be as strong as they once were. It's ok, once I become a somebody I am sure she will try to come running back but I will be too far gone by then. It truly is the bittersweet symphony  Anyways, I really appreciate the support I got and get from you guys, much love! 

[The Wretched Nobody]

I had that... I know how it feels - I won't patronize you and say I know how You feel... but I've been down the same shitty road.  And it is a road you have to walk alone.

The fact is things will get better but they will get better when they feel better and not before. 

I know, I know.... hardly the "get well soon" - and "hugs, bro" that most might want to dole out upon you.... but you're a low bullshit kind of individual so I'm not going to bullshit you. I figure I have known you long enough - we can avoid hallow meaningless pleasantries.

When it happened to me I actually went through quite a few gf's and booty call bitches feeling like you explain you do now.  To be fair about it - none of those ladies got the best of me and most of them probably deserved more than the one I wanted ever should deserve.

For me, in my case it was a matter of lack of closure.... my break up came abruptly and basically (I found out afterwards)  because she wanted to party, do coke and **** some dude that worked at the beer store.

None of that suited my life at the time - odd as it may seem to some - I was then going to college and trying my best to get the **** out of the business I am in now. 

Now I'm Not trying to sound like a hardass... because I promise you - motor boating my baby's belly is far more satisfying to me than bashing some ****'s face with my fist ever was. However I have a bit of a reputation in my town for how I use to act when I was a younger, angrier man.  Needless to say Beer Store Douche didn't want no part o' That Scott; and it was no secret what happened to the couple of fools who had been stupid enough to rub their rod up in what was mine before him with previous gf's.  Moreover I make no qualms about being a pothead and a natural drug enthusiast... and while I won't pretend I've never done it - it's fair to say I prefer my coke in bottles and cans rather than needles and lines.

So I got to have that Talladega Nights moment where she broke my heart and acted like "Come on, you have to had seen this coming" - to wit my charming response was - "NO!  NO I **** DID NOT!  A DAY AGO YOU WERE PROFESSING YOUR UNDYING LOVE FOR ME BETWEEN GASPS YOU TOOK WHILE GAGGING ON MY HOT HEALTHY HARDENED HOG!"

....but I digress... I gave that skank a second go around a few years later and you know what I found out?  **** had done me a favor That just didn't feel like one.

After that realization - I met a Good nay GREAT woman and started my family.  Don't let her define your happiness nor contentment my friend - there is love in this world that exceeds even that brought upon a man by double jointed, nymphomaniac Twins.

It'll get better when it gets better... But you aren't probably really giving the girl you have now a real fair shot as long as that one keeps a chunk of your heart and mind in her hand.

Don't get over it... get past it.

She had her chance to be the Queen and **** it up.  That's  her problem bud, not yours.

[Trine Larsen]

As the re-bound girl turned wife, I got be totally honest with you- it sucks when you can still tell he's still wrapped up in the other chick. Carr has solid advice you are worth so much more than a girl who took you for granted and there is someone out there who will love you just as much, if not more, than you love her.

But it will get better when it gets better, don't rush it, and maybe the time just to yourself will help you find yourself better.

I had to sit and wait in a relationship where half of it was still facebooking the ex, talking to me about the ex, and even now 4 years later I still get updates and it sucks. Don't put somebody through that if you can help it- but that's just some girly, ****, bs input, haha! You can totally disregard it

[The Wretched Nobody]

Was she hotter than you though?  Because that's a tricky feat.

[Slipshod]

I appreciate it guys, and the thing about it is this girl didnt leave me because she wanted some other guy. She just said we are not meant to be together, and took off. Every now and again she will text me and call me and even drop by my work, I was doing just fine for a few weeks straight then out of nowhere, she  comes into my job with a guy. I couldnt help but freeze up and then she looked right at me and smiled, I was crushed. I was angry, I was asking myself why would she do this? Then I realized, its because thats who she is. She does that to try and get into my head, to make me jealous, to see my reaction so she can get off to it later. I dont let it effect me as much as it did that day, but now that she knows I have a girlfriend (which she didnt know when she came in) she keeps calling and texting saying "that guy wasnt my bf, hes just a friend." I do the one thing that drives her crazy but I know is good for me, I do not reply. Dont get me wrong, I never mention my ex to my current gf ever, whenever im with my current gf its her and me, thats it. I dont take her for granted, its just I cant help but slowly get the old girl out of my mind. I know she messed it up, but every now and again ill see her in my dreams or just randomly in my mind and wonder what could have been. But it doesnt matter anymore, because now im moving forward. Thanks again for the support guys, you're awesome.

[The Wretched Nobody]

Not to get your hopes going the wrong way.... but that sounds like you two are on the same page of a different edition.

[Brad]

I'm glad me and my ex ended on bad terms, so I don't gotta think of **** like this I can just hate her lol.

[Trine Larsen]

Haha! Whatever Scott :p. 

No problem! You're a good guy things will work out for you, I'm sure!

[The Wretched Nobody]

Truth is truth dear.  I have a hot wife too - your man shouldn't be forlorn over some hag who doesn't want him and be damn happy with the beautiful young lady who does.  No offence here Madame - but I've seen him on Facebook posts of yours - I can fairly say you have good taste except for his lack of a beard and tattoos though it's also fair to say he's the one scoring outside his league.

I knew when I was tapping someone above my bracket.... then I met her 50yo mom who looks late 30's, her 70+ yo granny who looks mid 50's and her 96yo great gramma who looks to be about her 60's-70's and since her women keep like they're stored in Tupperware - I married her within a year.

[J-Dub]

I have had the same issue with the last 15 years of holiday's. No one around for anything and if not for me calling people to keep from losing it, it would have been the end of J-Dub years ago. This year was better for me so it gets better and I know you know that.